i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
