alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Randomize
