I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
