is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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