Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
