i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
