I am in a vortex of obligation.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
There's always time for handjobs
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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