I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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