Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
