I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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