im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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