Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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