He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
