bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
this boner is exhausting
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
