My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
