i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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