Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
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