I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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