dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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