What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
