Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
there is glitter all over my balls
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