There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
