I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
