We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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