morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
