I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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