Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
