I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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