my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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