Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
