Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
