Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
farters have to be the big spoon...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
