My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I wear drunk well.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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