First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
