i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
