hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
