he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
