hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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