You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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