Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
