can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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