he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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