my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
