I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
