so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
