the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
