Taylor Swift is so right about you.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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