So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
