i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot