Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.