I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
