The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
