Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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