Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
