We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The power of my boobs compel you
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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