I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
