I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
