I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
you had me at cake vodka
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
